People also struggle to “do” English humor, because it is part of acculturation.  Just as Western cultures are used to the octave as a basis for music, so it takes time to hear and reproduce English humor. For instance:

• There are three types of people in this world… Those who can count, and those who can’t.
• “Give me an alligator sandwich and make it quick.” (from Witches Abroad by Terry Pratchett.)

You should say these kinds of things with a completely straight face in a conversation, and then move on, without explaining yourself. It is also important not to wait for a laugh or acknowledgment. The listener should, however, pick up on the humour and respond, but not by laughing. The correct response is a groan, or rolling one’s eyes, or saying “oh my God” (in a disgusted voice), or some other apparently negative (but actually playful) comeback.

It’s even better if you can repeat this in a sequence. For instance, in Witches Abroad, Pratchett has a whole lot of similar comments, including “give me an alligator sandwich and make it immediately/right away/on the double etc. He NEVER says “and make it snappy” of course. The pun can only be implied.

In Watching the English (by Kate Fox) she explains that the English are have a type of social lack of ease(dis-ease) and cope with this by their pervasive, all-embracing passion for humor. Humor is the English default method of operation. She says:

Humour is  one of our most ‘deeply-ingrained impulses’, a ‘default mode’ of behaviour, a ‘culture-all equivalent of the laws of gravity’.

Probably the most important of our three basic reflexes. Humour is our most effective built-in antidote to our social dis-ease. When God (or Something) cursed us with The English Social Dis-ease, He/She/It softened the blow by also giving us The English Sense of Humour. The English do not have any sort of global monopoly on humour, but what is distinctive is the sheer pervasiveness and supreme importance of humour in English everyday life and culture. In other cultures, there is ‘a time and a place’ for humour: among the English it is a constant, a given – there is always an undercurrent of humour. Virtually all English conversations and social interactions involve at least some degree of banter, teasing, irony, wit, mockery, wordplay, satire, understatement, humorous self-deprecation, sarcasm, pomposity-pricking or just silliness. Humour is not a special, separate kind of talk: it is our ‘default mode’; it is like breathing; we cannot function without it. English humour is a reflex, a knee-jerk response, particularly when we are feeling uncomfortable or awkward: when in doubt, joke. The taboo on earnestness is deeply embedded in the English psyche. Our response to earnestness is a distinctively English blend of armchair cynicism, ironic detachment, a squeamish distaste for sentimentality, a stubborn refusal to be duped or taken in by fine rhetoric, and a mischievous delight in pricking the balloons of pomposity and self-importance. (English humour is not to be confused with ‘good humour’ or cheerfulness – it is often quite the opposite; we have satire instead of revolutions and uprisings.) Key phrases include: ‘Oh, come off it!’ (Our national catchphrase, along with ‘Typical!’) Others impossible to list – English humour is all in the context, e.g. understatement: ‘Not bad’ (meaning outstandingly brilliant); ‘A bit of a nuisance’ (meaning disastrous, traumatic, horrible); ‘Not very friendly’ (meaning abominably cruel); ‘I may be some time’ (meaning ‘I’m going to die’ – although, come to think of it, that one was possibly not intended to be funny). [402-3]

Many people who work with or for UK companies find English (or British) humour a major problem, but spare a moment to pity those who are deeply British acculturated, but live and/or work in other cultures. In US culture,  their “straight-faced but intentionally-humorous insult as opening conversational gambit” is seldom appreciated. Their tantalizing but oblique puns are ignored or congratulated. Black humour falls into the category of “talking about disagreeable things is disagreeable” and their whole beloved realm of politics and religion (which is the natural area of British conversation after the weather) is suddenly tabboo!

Culture … infinitely fascinating. On Wednesday I am off to Korea to find other ways to get into cultural trouble. And to see what it is like to do everything bali bali! (Fast. Fast.)

Stop apologizing for spelling, and start using your strengths (i.e. thinking). You need some work-arounds if you are not a natural speller.  These include using spellcheck (always), building and using a homophone chart, and enjoying collaborative writing. A friendly proof-reader/copy-editor is very useful for customer-facing documents. The internet also has many editing sites that provide copy-editing for big and small companies, at very affordable rates, and they give you results within hours.

Second-language English users have several other options.  For ordinary correspondence,  simply write “I am writing in my second (or third, fourth etc) language,” early on in an email. We are a global community, working to communicate across distances and differentness, and people understand if your writing is not perfect.

Translation sites like Bablefish do not produce good English. However these sites are very helpful if your spelling is weak in your second language. Write your letter in very short ‘active’ sentences in your first language: subject, verb, object. Then clip and paste the English text into your document, and you can use this as a basis for your writing.

Create a homophone chart. Here are some ideas to start with. Here is a funny version. Edit it to suit your own problem words, and change it as you master some words, or find others that give you problems. Change the simple definitions if they do not work for you. Avoid the grammar-police-types if they try to make your chart complicated: these are the people who like to  explain things like ‘how affect can occasionally be a noun’. Don’t make your list too long – you don’t need words like wretch or leech, which you will never use in your business career.

accept – to take graciously. I accepted the gift.
except – not including. He ate it all, except for the spicy chillis.

affect – a verb. It affected me really badly.
effect – a noun. It had a very bad effect on me.

a lot – the opposite of a little.
allot – to allocate, e.g. an allotment, a lottery.
alot  – there is no such word.

all together -   everyone at once. The choir master managed to get the choir to sing all together.
altogether -  completely, everything considered. Altogether, I’m just glad it’s over.

all right -  everything correct. He got it all right.
alright – okay, adequate. I’m feeling alright today.

brake – a device to slow down a  vehicle, or keep it still.
break – to damage so that it is broken.

course – a path of study, or of a stream, or walk.
coarse – rough, abrasive.

every day – each day. She worked out at the gym every day.
everyday – ordinary – an adjective. She wore her everyday clothes.

forth – onwards. The army went forth to battle.
fourth – numerical order. She was the fourth child.

hear -to perceive with your ears or auditory sense.
here – where we are, not over there.

it’s – a contraction of it is. It’s really hot today, isn’t it?
its – belonging to it. The cupboard has a scratch in its veneer.

loose – not tight. The dog’s collar is loose.
lose – the opposite of win. I hope my team doesn’t  lose today.

manner – a way of doing something. He stalked out in an irate manner.
manor – a big house on a large piece of land. She behaved as if to the manor born!

personal – affecting a particular person.
personnel – the Human Resources Department.

principle – related to abstract values.
principal – the main or most important person, or issue e.g. he invested the principal and lived on the interest.

quite – relatively, it is quite cold today.
quiet – the opposite of noisy,

rain – water falling from the sky
reign – to rule (can be a verb or a noun)
rein – straps used to control a horse. We must rein in spending.

stationery – paper and envelopes.
stationary – standing still.

SWOT analysis – strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and strengths.
SWAT team – those scary guys in black who use special weapons and tactics.

there – not here.
their – it belongs to them.
they’re – a contraction of they are. They’re late again.

wear – to put on your body as clothes or accessories. I am wearing my favorite t-shirt.
where – referring to place. Where are you? I can’t remember where I put my keys.

yea – an old (archaic) form of yes, used when taking a vote. “The nays have it. There were only three yeas.
yay – an exclamation of enjoyment or pleasure.